Saturday, April 28, 2012

Highs and Lows of Life and Gardening


I read something the other day about how stupid it is to limit what you write about on your personal blog when your personal blog is in a niche, like say, gardening. I took this as a sign from the eGods that that I should just write. So many days go by that I have things to say but don't publish anything because the gardening angle isn't clear to me.  Don't get me wrong, I can always find one but sometimes it's exhausting.

On the gardening front I have been plant sitting a flat of seedlings for a coworker. I'm freaking out about them because some of them are in serious need of thinning. I feel compelled to do it myself but if somebody thinned my seedlings I would not be happy. So, I'm just trying to keep them alive until they get picked up.  Meanwhile, all my seedlings are dead. It is hard to believe that I spent more money on seeds than ever this year yet I am going to be buying all my plants for the garden.

Tomorrow is my father-in-law's birthday. I normally have plenty of tulips and daffodils blooming in the garden on his birthday but with everything so early this year, I was worried I wouldn't have anything to take to the cemetery. But I think I can pull together a nice albeit very different bouquet than the last couple of years.  The pain's still there. We miss him terribly and need him now more than ever.

Earlier this morning a person in my husband's family died unexpectedly in his sleep. He was my age. I wish I could tell you about the sensitive details. They are in my head like a captured animal pacing around a cage desperate for a way out.  How sad and devastating it is for our family. How the frantic phone call led us to believe it was a different person. It is hard to find the words to articulate the feeling of having fully processed that a person has passed away then discover they're alive. That it's really a whole other person. It is a roller coaster of highs and lows. The highs eclipsed by guilt and shame, the lows filled with sadness and devastation.

I planted salad greens, radishes and things of that nature. They are up and I am thankful for that.