Monday, March 26, 2012
Garden: Like a House of Cards, Part 1 of 5
Where I go on an on about why I'm a gardening failure to the point that I need to break it into multiple posts. Where I write and write until the answer comes. Settle in. This could take a while.
If you've read my blog very long you know that over the past few gardening seasons I've petered out. Given up at the end. Let things go to shit. Left ripe fruit hanging on the vine. And each year "the end", my end of my gardening season, just keeps getting closer and closer to the beginning. My season shorter and shorter. My harvest less and less. My motivation shrinking. My shame over quitting, growing.
At the end of last year I had decided I was done. I began regretting ever digging up that first patch of grass. Building a garden that I had once enjoyed started bringing me just as much regret and shame. Like I need more things to be ashamed of!
This happens to nearly everything I start in my life. I dive in, get high off the newness and beauty of whatever it is, then fall hard. Or peter out. If I'm being honest, gardening would've been one of those fall-hard ones had it not been for this blog. The pressure if it kept me going, and gardening I guess.
All the negative self-talk has escalated. I chalk it up to bad habit. I'm worthless and I just can't stick with anything. I'm destined to quit everything I start. It holds me back. It makes the doubt and self-loathing well up in me. But instead of quitting all proper like with advanced notice and planning I just start half-assing stuff until I get so bad at it that going on with it feels worse than the half-assing. Then, poof, I'm ghost. I end on a low note, carrying the failure in my back pocket for next time.
You probably know her if you read my blog. My friend Katie. My God! The self reflection. The examination! The soldiering on! It's invigorating to read and exhausting at the same time because I don't understand how I am as able bodied as she is yet I wallow and she soldiers on through it. As she candidly writes about on her blog, she got divorced and nearly died in the same year. And she's fighting her way back, fear by fear. There was a lady at a gym I used to work out at in Memphis who once told me that life is about learning. That problems come up and you can face the with fear or dignity. And that when it comes right down to it, your life is about how you face your fears. The more breakthroughs Katie has the happier I am for her but the more I feel the need to distance myself from her blog because what she's doing is a reminder of what I'm not doing.
Then something happened that I have a hard time finding the right words to describe because it's blurry. I don't mean my memory of it is blurry, I mean that whatever it is, it's still unclear to me, hard to define or describe to you because it's way down inside me and until things come to the surface, what words are there? It wasn't like a light bulb moment. It was like a slow drip I didn't even notice until it became a big puddle that got my feet wet when I accidentally stepped in it. For a minute I decided, or rather the thought just slipped in that what if I wasn't a natural destined failure? Maybe there was a reason for it. Something that caused it. If I could only find a reason, something that led to it, maybe I could fix it.