Thursday, July 21, 2011
On Being Like Bindweed
I know there is peace and solitude out there but I can't see it for the bindweed blanketing the garden right now. It's symbolic of the regular maintenance needed to fully experience life. And how neglect keeps you from enjoying it. I sneak through my garden on the way to my car feeling like the plants are staring at me and I'm somebody in dark glasses hoping not to be recognized. I water when I have to, quickly, trying to notice which variety of tomato is starting to turn pink without reaching into the bed to look at the label. I have no right to be that close. I am like a man trying to steal a glance at a pretty girl without anybody noticing.
I'm in a dark place these days. More inward. I'm disconnected from you...from everything and everyone that isn't an absolute necessity. I wish I could go off some place and pretend like I don't exist for a while. To be able to go as deep inside myself as I need to and for as long as I need to figure things out. I don't mean to seem like I'm in the same negative vortex I've complained about before. It's just that I am realizing if you can get deep enough inside your own head, it's a pretty peaceful place. There's clarity in there. And energy and healing. And I need more of that right now. I have let the stress of life cripple me and make me sick and I'm just trying to fix it. But I do worry about the collateral damage. It's a vicious cycle I have always struggled with, focusing on one thing while the other gets neglected and becomes its own source of stress. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I wish I was more like the bindweed. A fierce competitor refusing to go down without a fight. It is efficient and beautiful, growing fast and effortlessly. No matter the conditions, it gets by. Without fail, its delicate white flower opens every morning, its vines crawl along the the garden not caring what goes on around it. And when I have ferociously yanked every visible piece of it out, it does not get discouraged because its very deep roots give it the foundation to persevere. It simply does what it does, keeping with the rhythm of life, maintaining its focus, growing.